Tuesday, 17 November 2015

My Happy Place....

For their 'Mind Yourself' campaign, Independent.ie  asked me to discuss my happy place. Now I could say that my happy place is a store or a coffee place, the beach or even a park, but my happy place is some where a little closer to home. My happy place is not somewhere that closes, can be changed, can be taken over or disappear and that is because for me my happy place is my bedroom. I know it is probably cheesy or obvious that it is my bedroom but there is a reason behind it. Now to tell you why my room is my happy place I have to tell you why it was my dark place too.

For a long time during my teenage years and my college years I had problems with self harm, depression and social anxiety. My bedroom was the place where I was alone with all my dark thoughts, where my demons would crawl out of the shadows and where my blade was my best friend. When you suffer from depression you can fell like you have no one in the world to talk to and then when you throw social anxiety into the mix it is no walk in the park. So I would lock myself in my room cut off from the world so no one could judge me. On the flip side of my bedroom being my place where I went to harm it was my place to escape in my mind when I could. In my bedroom I could be anything I wanted and I could do anything I wanted. Even though it has been 4 years since I was in that place in my life and everything has changed in my room since then, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember that the walls were purple with purple carpet and pink bed sheets with dark art I had created on my walls. My room has changed many times since then. My parents have always made sure that my bedroom was my space, I was allowed to do anything to it. I could paint my room, draw on the walls, write on them, it was my place for me to be me. Now my room is white with one stripped wall with a bookcase full of places and worlds that I can escape to whenever I need to. My room is a place of my own and a place no one can take from me.

So now I have to told you about my room I bet you are asking 'Why is it my happy place when it has such bad memories?' Well to be honest with you, that is the exact reason it is my happy place! I know it is insane that somewhere I used to go and bleed over the sheets and cry myself to sleep can be a happy place but it also shows that I got through it. So many good things have happened since then that my room is now full of photos and memories, good memories. My bedroom is the one constant in my life. I know that if I go away for any time I can come home and my room will be the way I left it right down to the dirty laundry in the corner of the room haha. I know that all I have to do is walk up my stairs turn left and my room is there. It is important to have a constant when you are living with depression and you have those days where you don't want to get out of bed or get dressed, or the days where I have urges to go back to my old ways and harm myself. It is nice to know that there is one place that can't change unless I change it. It is the one thing in my life I have control over in a world that I can't control. When I have those days where everything feels out of control I just have to look around me to see how far I have come and that now at 25 I am a complete different person. In my room, my happy place, my safe place I know no one can hurt me because no one can do anything worse to me than what I did to myself for years.

A happy place does not need to be somewhere fancy or far away as long as it is a place where you feel safe and a place you love spending time. It could be a store where you love the clothes or it could even be your closet or your bath tub! In my room I dance around like a complete idiot and sing at the top of my voice even though I am as tone deaf as they come. In your happy place you can be yourself and no one can judge you for what you do there because it is a no judgement zone.

In my happy place I am free, I am safe, I am happy! I hope you have that place and you feel the same way too.

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